Ice Queen

That's what I felt like all day at my dad's funeral. His visitation began at 9:00 am on Tuesday, August 10th. His funeral was at 2:00. There were still loose ends to tie up at the funeral home. I stayed strong and tried to keep my mom from having to deal with anything. Sometimes she would go in the office and talk to the funeral home staff just because she didn't know of anything else to do. Sometimes I would cry silently as I looked at the pictures of my dad. I cried thinking of Everly and her not getting to know her Papaw. She wouldn't get to go on one of his camping trips and eat some of his grilled food. She wouldn't get to go fishing with him and listen to him tell jokes. But all-in-all I held it together. I felt like many people were looking at me thinking, "how could she not be bawling her eyes out?" Well that's just not me. I don't like for people to see me cry. I want to be strong. I don't want to make a spectacle.
As I sat on the back pew I was talking with my sweet husband and my papaw (who I love SO much) came up to me and talked about me being the strong, silent type like him. I told him I was just trying to do what needed to be done. Then my Uncle Barry (I have two Uncle Barrys) this was the one by marriage sat in front of us and talked. He talked about how much he liked my dad and the great times that we had when we were little. He was the easiest person for me to talk to there and he was so raw with his emotions. I just busted out crying. He wasn't trying to just comfort me, but he wanted to talk. I think that is what I needed...just someone to talk to. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but it helped me.
The whole time I was trying to be unselfish and accommodating, but when was it going to be my turn to grieve. I did not want to see my dad in his casket. I wanted to remember him as the funny guy he was with a big smile on his face. Some people might have thought that was weird too...but everyone is different. I had no choice but to see him, but I didn't get close. That wasn't my dad in that coffin, just a body. My dad had already gone home.
I wasn't the Ice Queen that some have made me feel like I was. I just choose to do things a little differently than most. Recently a person has made me question my dad's love for me. How completely heartless is that? I have no doubt my dad loved me. We had our ups and downs just like every other relationship out there. If you think my actions showed otherwise, I'm sorry. I'm just different than you...not one is wrong or right...just different.